I am now in my fifties, began studying when I was 20 (and circumstances at the time were a very low time in my life), and so the most vital, healthy years of my life are behind me, as well as income earning potential. All squandered away toward the org and its never-ceasing, always hungry, agenda....
Raised our children in this cult, but thank god/gods/spaghetti monster, they never took to this religion. They've told me they thought I was a "lifer", as I was *Very Indoctrinated*, very "zealous", the whole crapola. I am so different now from that JW person, they are telling me that it feels like they don't even know who I am, and that it even feels like they've entered an alternate universe.
Yet it also feels the same for me, that I don't even really know my own children (adults now), as so many years were spent trying to suppress their dear personalities and make them conform to WT borgification.... And I see that they are wonderful people who are going through their own terrible (psychological) journey from being raised in that climate of fear, suppression, subjugation, and sublimation.
I feel both sad and angry that I was so taken in and for so long!!
When I first discovered and learned that we'd been lied to, I had awful dreams. In one dream, I vividly remembering wandering the streets and alley ways, crying my heart out, and calling, "Jehovah, where are you??" When I woke up, my pillow was wet.
In other similar, and repetitive dreams, we would be trying to get to an assembly, and either getting hopelessly lost and feeling anxious about losing our way... Or getting to the assembly/convention, and then being unable to find any seats, walking around and around and around... lugging our bags and books and coats and lunches, and everybody staring coldly at us (so terrible to be late you know!) - yet nobody helping. Had many dreams like that! So weird.
I still feel a little lost, and very weighed down with the knowledge that: WE are to be the masters of our fate, we should be the ones deciding our destiny, and taking control of our life and try to make it be the best and happiest and healthiest we can be, that we are all in this together... that family is everything, and that community and politics matter, and that this life is all we most likely have....